Trolley problems do not exist in real life. In real life, you get “almost trolley problems.” And “almost trolley problems” can often be the fault of people who believe–or espouse belief–in trolley problems.

In real life, if you hear a trolley is barreling down the tracks towards either one or five people, the trolley, people, and tracks will not have materialized at the exact moment you too materialized at the tracks junction and your hand happens to be on the switch. And precisely after the amount of time it takes to make the decision, the trolley will not kill exactly one or five people. No, there will be moments when decisions are made to put that trolley and people on the tracks, and moments while the trolley is getting closer and closer to the junction, and moments after the junction and the trolley is getting closer to the people, and moments when decisions are not being made and nothing meaningful is being done. That is an almost trolley problem.

With an almost trolley problem there are likewise almost always ethical solutions that do not require anyone dying. The more “almost,” though, the more difficult they can be to accomplish in time. Such as, when it is most “almost,” activating the switch just part of the way, not enough to make the trolley switch tracks, but hopefully enough to make it derail. But the right questions to ask are… Why is there a trolley barreling down the tracks? Why are there people on the tracks? Why are we in this situation? Why did someone make the decisions that have us in this place?

So, it turns out the trolley was invented by a Mr. ForgottenToTime. A brilliant inventor who was really good at making locomotive machines, but not so much at convincing people to invest in his ideas. Because he told people honestly that his ideas may not see practical application right away, but with enough funding and coordination, possibly someday. But it might simply just take a lot of time and testing before it can be done safely. Not that many people would listen to him anyway, as he wasn't born rich.

Nonetheless, he preserved and started a modest company making decent trolley designs and rudimentary prototypes. Was coming along nicely, and probably would have gotten to the point of safe, general public use on its own with the help of other like-minded individuals in about twenty years. Not really a long time if you think about it.

Along came Samsamelo Altbankmenusk. Basically, the opposite of him. Really good at convincing people to invest in ideas, not so much at inventing locomotive machines. But so good at convincing, he could even convince you he was a brilliant inventor himself. Obviously, the only way he could do that is with blatant lies.

Now Samsamelo knew, at least conventionally, that lying is “wrong.” At least according to “society” which inconveniently has all the money that he wants. On top of the large amount of money he was born with, of course.

He also knows that society will allow wanting money for a societally-deemed-good purpose, such as feeding oneself and one's family. In extreme situations, like one is destitute and has no other option, it can even forgive/excuse lying or stealing to feed one's family. In other words, if it's for really good, but you need to do slightly bad, and you have no other options–society accepts.

But Samsamelo has plenty of money to feed himself and family. He nonetheless wants more. And he has seen among the many rich people around him that lying and stealing are very effective ways to do it. If he could just think of some way of justifying it, he could lie and steal, get lots of money, and be a “good” man.

Now, is this to be a good man to himself? Or to others? Or simply seem like that to others? Or a combination of the three? I'm not sure he knows. I do know that it's pretty much impossible for anyone else to know what is in another person's head. I mean it's not like anyone would be stupid enough to put an electronic device in their brain that could reveal their thoughts, right? But more importantly, it is unknowable because people like him are masters of lies. Masters of convincing others of things. Thus, very likely masters of convincing even themselves of convenient things. And since it generally feels good to consider oneself a good person: It's probably a safe bet to say he has done so and convinced himself of convenient things. And very likely by the very method that he will use to convince others. And if that's the case, it would be very unlikely he could answer for whom exactly he is trying to be a good man for. After all, the convoluted/fallible logic requires not thinking all the way through in order for it to be “true,” so why assume he'd think all the way through for himself?

And that convoluted/fallible logic? That trolley problems exist. Though I suppose they're just runaway horse carriage problems at this point for Samsamelo. And what's more, that no matter how far that carriage is from that fork in the road or that fork is to where the people are in harm’s way; even if that carriage is so far away you can't see it; even if that fork is actually further away to people than you'd ever imagine; even if there are thousands of miles of unseen territory between; even if it is completely plausible that there are any number of ways that carriage might divert, slow down, stop, or even speed up at any point; it is still somehow just as binary in outcome, he says. And, what's even more? That this person who has a huge financial incentive in others thinking he knows best does in fact know best, he says. And he says he should be trusted to say: Yes, there is no other way. Yes, I know the best way. Even though he will lie and possibly steal constantly. Even though society normally only accepts that type of behavior when someone's family is starving, and that one lie/theft might feed them that one time and there truly is no other way.

People like Samsamelo know that it takes three parts: really good, slightly bad, and no other way. It takes more and more convoluted logic as the distance between the vehicle (of Samsamelo's financial success) and the junction increases, and the distance between the junction and the people increases, to dismiss what is clearly plenty of ways–to just about everyone except those who directly and immediately financially benefit–into an inevitability. But believing in real world carriage (or, later, trolley) problems is the first step. Once someone believes they can exist, then it's just a matter of convincing them (and possibly themselves) that they are in one, and that the convincer is who best knows how to handle it, and–again –convincing is what people like Samsamelo do best.

So, Samsamelo learns about ForgottenToTime's new trolley invention. He uses his money, which by now has grown thanks to his ability to lie (and possibly steal) and was started thanks to his born-with cushion to take risks and fail as many times as he wants, to buy ForgottenToTime's company. And, to paraphrase Nedroid / Anthony Clark, soon Samsamelo was saying proudly “I made this trolley” (under breath:) “company's incremental increase in apparent investor value.”

And how did he do it? Well, he asks the engineers: “How long until the trolley is ready?”

The engineers say: “Well, that depends. If you mean, when can we put a machine on a track and have it move forward, we can do that today. It basically falls apart within two minutes and it requires someone to stand in front of it and pull, which of course is extremely dangerous. If you are asking when it can be made to last more than two minutes outside of a lab, and maybe not pulled by a person but in a strictly controlled test environment… Maybe 20 years.”

He says: “Impossible! I need it in two months.”

The engineers say: “That's impossible.”

He says: “Well, assume all the resources in the world.”

The engineers say: “Well, clearly not all the resources. Not the resource of ‘time.’”

He says: “Okay, all the money. We’ll buy more engineers.”

They say: “It doesn't work like that; at some point you need to test it in the real world. And to do so safely requires time. But let's pretend all the money in the world, all the engineers and testers we can find, as there is still a lot of real-world testing that you just can't trim away, okay, maybe 10 years. Of course that's a hypothetical that can't really…”

But by then Samsamelo has walked away.

Samsamelo then goes straight to the media and, of course, potential investors: “My trolley will be ready in one year!”

Blatant lie, you say. But Samsamelo thinks, this way I can get the investors to provide the money that then can make the trolley happen within 10 years, not 20.

Samsamelo says to the investors: “How will I do it? Arty Ingineer! No more relying on people to pull trolleys. In fact, everyone can just sit back, drink mint julips, and let my wondrous Arty Ingineer do it all.”

He continues: “Think about how good this will be to society! Lives will be saved that no longer need to wait for slow horses. The planet will be saved from all the bad stuff those horses’ poop make! Then in a few years we won't need tracks. Soon flying trolleys! Soon trolleys to outer space! Where we can create trolley systems on other planets! Maybe we will transcend into half-trolley half-human UberTrolleys that can trolley on for infinity!”

Of course, what of the investors listening to this story? Such as Samsamelo's number one investor Theter Piel? Do these investors tell themselves the same “story” that this is necessary? Do they just see Samsamelo can get lots of other money? Do they care about the truth or just number go up and try not to be the last one if it goes down? Are they, too, masters of convincing others and possibly themselves? Do they care when they see definitive proof that Samsamelo constantly lies and possibly steals? Do they think they are “just” investors, not themselves lying or stealing (presumably)?

Regarding “possibly” stealing, that doesn't mean either 100% he steals or 100% he does not. Samsamelo is just one person, but it can actually be said with at least 33.3% confidence, that he finds another way to “make” more money. He puts together a box, then paints it black, and tells his investors they can put money in it. And after that he gives them pieces of paper that track the price of various trolley parts, which will obviously become valuable in the trolley utopia that is coming.

And they seemingly have control over their investments, with amazing returns, and by switching around these pieces of paper for other pieces of paper they seemingly make even more amazing returns. But they can't have any of their original money or their returns from the box while holding these pieces of paper. And giving back their pieces would mean they wouldn't be able to switch around pieces of paper anymore. Such as pieces of paper for trolley parts Samsamelo says he'll be making himself, and, though not directly noticeable, controlling the price of himself. That box painted black also has a nice little flap in the back for Samsamelo to go in and, you know, look at the money at a polite distance.

But of course, Samsamelo thinks to himself (very possibly before even making the box), why, I could “use” this money to make an even bigger box and get more investors to put money in it. Namely, by “temporarily” taking the money out. Of course, he contractually states to those investors who signed up with his trolley paper parts company that he would never do this. But after removing the money, Samsamelo uses that money as he sees fit. Samsamelo “spends” some of that money on risky investments of exactly the kind of trolley technologies that Samsamelo is selling. He also “spends” directly on allies and on lavish accommodations for himself. Spending a lot will make the box seem more successful, he might just be thinking. That which is publicly aware spending, like being able to buy a stadium's naming rights, will be assumed to have come entirely from the collection of modest fees. And if this were true, it would thus reflect huge volume. Volume that must come from a superior product/service. And in the publicly unaware spending on friends, family, and bribes to political officials, that will just get him more allies that will also further the box’s success.

Though, of course, this is blatant stealing.

So, now we're talking 100% blatant lying and 33.3% (at least) blatant stealing. All extremely unethical. But in service of a greater good right? That is, if indeed, this is the only way, or even the best way, to trolley utopia. If indeed there is the runaway horse carriage problem that this will fix. And Samsamelo knows the right way to steer those horses. Of course, a utopia is forever good, right? So, one would never know for sure, funny how that is.

Well, this 33% of Samsamelo does get a bit of a comeuppance. As almost never happens, and why these black boxes do so well, someone else got a glimpse in the box and how little was actually still in there. Instead of actually money, it was pieces of paper issued by himself for his own potential trolley parts and priced entirely and fictitiously by him. His way of “making” more money is later legally proven as fraud, which is basically lying and theft at the same time.

Notably, some investors at the time were seemingly content to invest in only the box/fraud making a “profit” off the investors who wanted the pieces of paper. In a sense, this type of investor invested only in Samsamelo being able to convince others to invest. For example, Theter Piel is shown in court documents to invest in the box, but there is no evidence he ever wanted any of the pieces of paper supposedly pegged to the money to the box. As one wouldn't, if one were trusting in a person to make you money, but completely distrusting of the product ostensibly involved.

But of course, those investors needed the other type of investor, the ones who took the pieces of paper. To be fair, they aren't less intelligent than Theter, these investors just didn’t have the legal options to invest in just the box like Theter, an accredited US venture capitalist, does. To these investors, this is one of the few ways to invest available to them.

Of course, some might say that accredited investor rules are there to protect this type of investor in the US. But do they really when these rules prevent non-accredited investors from investing in the box business, but allow accredited investors to invest in the box business, and no rules prevent both accredited and non-accredited (as the rules should apply to both) from using a US-based version of this box that too would later fail spectacularly? It's quite likely Samsamelo would not have been able to grow so big as to collapse so spectacularly without accredited investor money. And very likely this US-based version wouldn't have been attractive as a box to non-accredited investors had there been other options for non-accredited investors. And thus, the lack of other options for non-accredited investors actually makes it more attractive as a box business to accredited investors. Are these double standards really to protect anyone or just the wealth/income divide status quo?

Now let's turn to “almost trolley problems.”

Samsamelo, through hook and at least a third of a crook, has made the money. (For himself, and, I guess, some trolley development.) He promised investors one year. He needed all the money in the world to make it safe in ten years. But if he waits even that long with the risks and lies he's made, he could lose it all (or at least that's what he tells himself).

Clearly (to him) five years will have to do.

Now one of the promises he made was no more needing a person to pull the trolley, the Arty Ingineer. And, he says, it's really almost there, Arty Ingineer just needs someone to be in front and pull the trolley a bit. Just a bit. But soon! Soon not all.

Five years later and Samsamelo wants to unveil his extensive trolley system. The engineers, of course, tell Samsamelo this is extremely unsafe. To even partly manage what he claimed to be able to do safely, he'd have to do it extremely dangerously. He'd have to have people located throughout the track system, pulling it along, and in some places, they might need to be directly on the track and in harm’s way.

Not that the general public knew this, as Samsamelo cleverly made sure his engineers signed agreements that would make them substantially lose the money they were promised for their hard work, or worse yet would vindictively be persecuted to an almost petty degree if they revealed the truth. Either by hounding with private investigators and smearing publicly or by litigating into submission by being able to outspend on all legal costs. That doesn't seem very ethical either, but, trolley utopia, et cetera., something, something, somehow, it’s more ethically good than bad.

Well, the day comes, the trolley is unleashed on the world. And sure enough, there are people all over the tracks. Of course, there was no time (allowed by Samsamelo) to test properly. So of course, they realize only once it has started that sometimes the trolley gets going so fast there is no time to get out of the way. And sure enough the trolley is on its way towards five people ready to pull it, but there is a switch, and you, you dear reader, not Samsamelo, can pull it and instead have it gone toward one person instead on another track.

Now, this is an almost trolley problem. There are still a few minutes to try a few things. You can yell at the people down the tracks to try to get out of the way now, but they may not hear you. You can try putting some things in the way of the trolley. Lastly you can make that last ditch effort to derail the trolley at exactly the moment it gets to the switch. And, quite possibly, no one will get hurt.

But, of course, we never needed to have this almost trolley problem at all.

Had Samsamelo been ethical and not lied and at least one-third stole, people who are actually caring and good, and likely do not lie nor steal, and coincidentally are not nearly as ridiculously wealthy but at least are now on somewhat more of a level playing field as the ridiculously wealthy would have been honest and transparent, would not have allowed what soon may happen. Namely, what is arguably the most unethical thing of all: the taking of innocent life.

Again, the right questions to ask are… Why is there a trolley barreling down the tracks? Why are there people on the tracks? Why are we in this situation? Why did someone make the decisions that have us in this place?

The answer:

People who believe in real trolley problems, that are never proven, prove to create the real “almost trolley problems” that should never have been.

$samsamelo has no association with anyone living or dead that may or may not be inspiration(s) for the satirical story above.

$samsamelo is a meme coin with no intrinsic value or expectation of financial return. There is no formal team or roadmap. the coin is completely useless and for entertainment purposes only.